Short Thought - Life

I find when I get together with friends, we spend time talking about what's happened recently. This is normal, of course, but sometimes I find I don't have much material to choose from. For example, when I get together with a few different friends at different times, I have to share the same stories with each of them because I don't have enough material. I realize I spend a lot of time talking about things, but not a lot of time doing things.  My goal is to spend less time talking about my life, and more time living it.

Short Thought - Friendships

If you try to surround yourself only by people that are exactly like you, how will you ever change or grow as a person? When someone disagrees with me, I find I am forced to rethink my position. In the end, I am either stronger in my conviction or realize I am wrong and make a necessary change. This is what has helped me grow as a person, and has helped me become more compassionate towards people.

Basically, surround yourself with people whom you share common ground with, but those who may differ from you in some ways. They will understand you and challenge you to try new things all at the same time.

Tamara's Tips: Killing Bugs

It's summer. If not able to enjoy the warm weather (on a beach, or poolside perhaps), people tend to hang out indoors in a comfortable air conditioned environment. Apparently bugs are wise to our wise, and do their best to join us in our comfort. Hence, the fun (dread) I endure each summer as I battle the army of insect invaders trying to escape the heat.

When encountering a bug, many would think just squish it with a tissue or whack it with a shoe, and the job is done. I personally am not a fan of this approach. Some bugs are just too crunchy to squish with tissue, and that crunch creeps me out. And whether it is with tissue or a shoe, squishing a bug leaves bug guts behind. Gross.

Here are some of my solutions for ridding your home of insect invaders:

1) Spiders

I don't really like spiders, but I have found they tend to stay out of my way and have little interest in messing with me. The downside to allowing spiders to live is while they are efficient at killing bugs, they're not always good at disposing of the bodies. Yuck.

2) Household Spray Cleaners

Sometimes the spiders get lazy. Like this morning, when a spider just sat there at watched as this bug waltzed around my home. I had to take matters into my own hands. Keep the enemy at arms length. And clean up while you do it! Usually I grab the nearest spray cleaner, and spray the bug until it dies. Some bugs take longer to kick the bucket than others. Just be diligent. Once the target has been eliminated, dispose the body by burial at sea (flush that sucker down the toilet). I have found that hand sanitizer is also effective, and the fact that it's a gel makes it difficult for the bug to escape your attack. The downside is that you have to get closer to the bug.

3) Trap and flush

If you are brave enough to deal with a live bug, get it to crawl onto a tissue and then quickly flush it down the toilet. This is good for slower moving bugs. Anything fast may crawl onto your skin. Don't use this method on fast bugs.

4) Get married

A spouse that is not afraid to kill bugs is the best thing anyone could ask for. I have been blessed in this way. I wouldn't say bug killing was a deal breaker, but it is important to me.

Math in my Sleep

The last few weeks I've been teaching summer school. I'm teaching a grade 12 math course, and all of the students in my class are taking the course for the first time around. It's been fun, for the most part, but I've been busy, busy busy! One day of summer school is like 4 classes (nearly one full week) of regular school, so each day I spend a few hours preparing for the upcoming lessons and assessments. Needless to say, I've got math on the brain almost constantly.

I've noticed in the past that the night (or a few nights) before something important  I'll often dream about the event (the first day of school, my wedding, an exam, etc.). Usually it's because the upcoming event is on my mind before I fall asleep, and influences my dreams.

Lately, I've been dreaming about math problems. In my dream I'll be trying to solve some sort of problem, and I'll wake up still trying to figure it out. Eventually I realize what I'm doing, change the subject in my brain and either get out of bed or go back to sleep. But these dreams concern me.

Dreams are a place where the impossible can happen, where you can be anything. And what do I dream about? Math. I dream of being a math geek. Not that this is a bad thing, but given that I'm a math geek in real life, it seems like a waste of good dreaming time.

Oh well. Asleep or awake, I'm a geek through and through. I guess I have to embrace it!

Voiceless

One thing I love about our society is that many in it seek justice and equality for others who have faced discrimination or hardship. I believe people are designed to love each other, and standing up for and with others when they face difficulty is an awesome way to show this love. It is great!

I believe that everyone should have the opportunity to live without fear, prejudice, harassment and should be granted the same opportunities. I believe that people should be able to have different beliefs, and should have the same opportunity to express their beliefs. It is here where I feel society is failing us.

Voices have been granted to many minority and special interest groups over the years, and this has been a good thing. But in some cases, it feels like to give one group a voice, another has been silenced. I find this is the case on many moral issues. Often times, if someone disagrees with a certain issue, they are labelled stupid, ignorant or hateful. Here's the deal - if someone disagrees with a choice that someone else makes, that doesn't mean they hate them. It means they believe that choice is wrong. They do not necessarily with anyone harm because they think differently. Do some people act that way? Yes, and they are generally present on both sides of any cause. Is that behaviour/attitude wrong? Of course!

Here's my concern. My concern is that someone cannot fully express their beliefs without being labelled a bigot, being told that it is because they hate others, or being harassed for it. Believing that to do a particular thing is wrong can mean only that you believe that particular thing is wrong. Instead of jumping on people the second they disagree with something that the majority or the media has picked up as a cause, listen to them. You may still disagree with them in the end, but hopefully you'll also see someone who will love others whether or not they agree on that issue with you. If that person expresses hate or behaviour that violates others, take action to stop that. I do not believe it is my right, or anyone else's, to be judgmental, or to treat others poorly based on differences. That's just stupid. There are some things people have in common, and there are differences, and we can love each other in either case.  But believing something is right or wrong does NOT imply hatred or a wish to do anyone harm. Please understand that.

Sometimes the moment some says "I believe _________ is right/wrong" others immediately think "they hate that group of people" or that they want to discriminate against a group of people, before the person has had any opportunity to talk about what they believe in detail. Is that fair? Is it fair to silence someone on the assumption that they feel a certain way or will treat someone a certain way, based on an opinion which has not, in fact, revealed such an attitude? For example, I have always believed that sex should occur within the context of marriage. This is something I chose for myself, and what I feel is right to do. I know people disagree with me, and I love people that do. My opinion doesn't cause me to treat others poorly, or hate them, or anything.

Sometimes it is scary for someone to disagree with something, or to express their beliefs, because they know or feel that they will be wrongfully judged for them. It is scary to say 'no' to an issue that society is currently saying 'yes' to, especially when you've seen such an angry reaction. I know I have felt scared from time to time. I have been in a group of people, and felt like if they knew my opinion on a matter, they would hate me or exclude me. And that isn't right. Basically, there are certain issues where if you don't agree, you are considered to hate others,  or to be stupid, when this may not be the case. And you are may be subject to hatred, ridicule or exclusion as a result. When one group is fighting to be heard, don't silence another in the process. I believe in the golden rule: treat others as you would like to be treated. I think we need to remember this, especially when we are in disagreement.

We need to fight for the rights of others, and continue to build a society where no one feels threatened because of their beliefs, ethnicity, or circumstances. And we all need to be willing to love one another, and to listen to one another whether we agree or not. When someone violates another, do something about it. When someone thinks differently, and yet still manages to love and respect others, please don't exclude them or mistreat them. Don't jump to conclusions unfairly, and don't silence someone because they think differently from you. We ALL deserve a voice, and we all have a responsibility to use our voice carefully. Hold each other accountable to that, and agree to disagree when necessary.

Goodbye, Teeka

Earlier this week, we said goodbye to our 12 year old shih-tzu, Teeka (full name Teeka Laqueesha Verdelle Isho - yeah, my family is awesome with the middle names). Over the past couple of years, her health was getting worse. She'd gained a lot of weight, and her legs were getting weaker and bowed so that she didn't walk much (but somehow managed to run at the speed of light if food was dropped - this is still a mystery to me). We found out this was because she had cushings disease. While treatment helped her hair grow back, and stopped the progression somewhat, her health deteriorated. She had cataracts, kidney problems and was generally weak. Last weekend she stopped eating and drinking, had a fever, and a few seizures. We knew it was time.

I went with my mother to the vet to have Teeka put down. I loved Teeka, but since I didn't live with her daily anymore I knew I wouldn't be in as rough shape as my mom. And I didn't want her driving alone to the vet with Teeka, and driving home alone without her afterward. I figured that would be too tough to do alone. It was strange. In the moments leading up to the final injection that would end her life, we felt peaceful. But once she was gone there was a bit of a shock. Reality sunk in that we wouldn't have her to hug, snuggle with or enjoy anymore.

Teeka was a dog full of personality (and attitude). I first met her when she was only a few days old, and was small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. We knew the breeder that we got her from, and visited her before we took her home. Originally we were thinking of taking the runt home, but when the breeder wanted the runt we chose Teeka. And we do not regret it one bit! Her facial expressions seemed to say exactly what she was thinking (many times it was "You're an idiot"). She wasn't always the most well behaved, but this was because she was protective of her family, especially my dad. And when it was just you and her, she could be so very lovable and charming.

I remember feeling sick a few times, and Teeka sat with me until I started feeling better. She was definitely one to offer comfort, and we think part of the reason she was so attached to my father was because he was grieving the loss of his sister when we first got Teeka, and she sensed that and drew close to him as a result. One of the reason I love dogs is they seem to care about how you feel, and respond accordingly. It's pretty awesome.

Teeka was also clever. When she was a puppy and she would take something she wasn't supposed to have, it was adorable to see what she'd do to hide the prohibited item (usually covering it with her paws and face when we were around). She learned many tricks, including sit, stay, dance, walk (on two feet), pray, roll over,   and praise the Lord (standing and raising front paws).

When we got our second dog, Daffy Petunia Ownie Isho, Teeka wasn't too thrilled. She didn't like sharing the attention or her stuff with Daffy. But when Daffy had a cough followed by an injury, Teeka became a little more interested in her, and a bond formed. They would continue to fight over food, my dad, and for no reason at all. In fact, they would fight over food, but each would not eat unless the other was present. It was a can't live with you, can't live without you kind of situation. Sometimes the fights consisted of growling and this strange, high pitch noice made by Daffy. And sometimes they were snarling brawls. As time wore on, Daffy was usually the winner, and Teeka was the one to cool off quickly (Daffy wanted to finish the fight - Teeka didn't care how it ended).

Daffy knew something was wrong the morning that we put Teeka down. She snuggled with her, which was unusual. The dogs respected each other's space. I hope Daffy is dealing with the loss well, and that she understands. The relationship between the two dogs was one of the most entertaining things about them, and I'll miss that.

My first dog has passed away. It's sad. I wish they could live longer. I know some people think "It's just a dog!". But dogs are more than just some other species, they become part of your family.

Teeka, we miss you. We loved you from your birth on January 29, 1999 until your death on June 21, 2011.

If you have to ask... don't.

I like my privacy. I'm not super secretive, and I'll share information my friends and those I trust and care about. If someone is my friend, they will know about job opportunities, success of my relationships, pregnancies, home ownership, and the like. They won't have to ask about these things, because I'll tell them about it as it happens. That's what friendship is about. Sharing personal stuff.

No, I'm not pregnant, buying a house or getting a new job. I just want to make that clear before I continue. This post is in no way intended as an announcement of some major life change. As far as I can tell, my life will be the same for the next while.

Here's the deal - it drives me crazy when people ask me about the above mentioned things. Usually, the people who are asking are acquaintances. People I talk to superficially on occasion, who know me through a friend, or go to the same church as me. Most of the people that ask these things know very little about my personality, my day-to-day life, my likes, interests, friends, etc. Yet they feel it is ok for them to ask very personal questions. And in the past I've felt clueless as to how to respond. I may not want to answer truthfully, because it is information I'm not ready to make public. But I don't like to lie. That creates a problem. Even if the answer is no, I feel like my willingness to respond reinforces the idea that such questions are ok to ask, when they are not. I don't want to give the wrong impression. And declining to answer can come off as rude, or offend someone, and I don't want to be a jerk (although others don't seem to mind prying into my personal business, I'm pretty sure I'll come off as the jerk no matter what). So, it feels like I lose no matter what. Bummer.

If I had my way, here's how I'd like to respond to some of the questions I get (or have gotten asked).

Q: So, when are you going to have a baby?

A: I don't know. How's your sex life?

See, that's what a pregnancy question is. It's about my sex life. Maybe not about the sex itself, but the product of it. That's REALLY personal. Also, for all you know the woman you are asking could be trying and having difficulty, or had a miscarriage recently, or could be struggling with whether or not they will ever have a child. It just adds more pain when you're going through some reproductive issue and someone who isn't close enough to you to know these things demands that you talk about your fertility. I don't care if it is well-intentioned, it's a personal matter and just plain inappropriate to be asking about it. Don't. 


Q: So, when are you getting engaged/married? (I'm married now so I don't really get asked this one much anymore).

A: When someone asks me.

I was only really asked this question after being with Alex for a few years, so most people knew we were serious. I usually answered this, although I probably shouldn't have. Many times I explained that one or both of us was still in school, so we kind of needed to have a full time job in order to pull off a wedding and living expenses. You'd think that would be obvious, but apparently it isn't. But really, my financial or personal reasons for not yet being engaged are not your business. If my friends ever asked about this, it was likely following something I said to them regarding marriage or the future. And if I bring it up, I think it's ok for you to ask for an update. If I wouldn't tell you about it otherwise, DON'T ASK! I know people who have been single, not dating anyone at the time or even recently, who have been asked this question. Like you can just get married at will. Seriously, it's  a stupid question.


Q: When are you buying a house?

A: When I have enough money. Care to make a donation?

This one isn't so bad. It doesn't bother me that much, but it may bother others. Basically, house ownership boils down to how much money you have. And asking someone about how much money they have is definitely not appropriate. So, it's a good idea to steer clear of this one.




To summarize: if I want you to know about the very personal and important events in my life, I'll tell you. Because I WANT you to know. So if you have to ask, don't. And if you do, don't be offended when I politely decline to answer. Thanks!

P.S. It is ESPECIALLY inappropriate to ask me (or others) these things on Facebook. Because not only do I have the problem of figuring how to respond without looking like a complete jerk, other people will see the question, and possibly assume it has some merit. And that is how rumors start, folks.