Tamara's Guide To: Flying

I, myself, cannot fly. I don't have wings (unless you count flabby arms, but please, don't). And I'm not a pilot. But I've been a passenger on plenty of flights over the past couple of decades, and feel inspired to share my wisdom with the masses (which probably consists of my sisters, and my mom). I'm not a frequent flyer or anything, but I've been on enough flights that I feel qualified to provide tips. And anecdotes, of course. So let's get to it.


1. Pack a snack.
Airlines don't always feed you anymore (and if they do, it can be pricey and the selection usually sucks). Buy a snack ahead of time. Buy it at the airport if you have to. While you might be ripped off with higher prices, it's better than starving in the air.

2. Go to the bathroom before boarding.If your flight is short, you may be able to avoid the hassle of dealing with tiny, cramped, airplane washrooms. Besides, flushing that toilet is scary. It's loud, and I'm pretty sure if you lean over it you can get sucked in. When flushing, get as far away from that thing as fast as you can. It's for your own safety!

3. Go easy on the beverages.Especially if you don't have the aisle seats. Those sitting in your row will appreciate not having you squish past them on your way to the teeny tiny torture toilet. And you will avoid potentially rubbing your butt against a stranger, and getting sucked into the planes septic tank. Win-win-win
.

4. Try really hard not to kick the seat in front of you.
Seriously, this is annoying. One or two kicks I can forgive, but more than that, and you're testing my patience. Do this to me, and I will spend the entire flight fantasizing about kicking you in various places. And I don't want to be a jerk (or think like one). So, just don't.

5. Eat gentle foods pre-flight.
If you know something could upset your stomach, don't eat it. If your stomach doesn't feel quite right before boarding, take some Gravol, Pepto Bismol, Immodium, Gas-X or something. Seriously, I was once on a flight where a woman spent the entire time lying across the seats in her row, moaning, and passing gas. Loudly. She was lucky there was an empty row. I was lucky the smell didn't reach my seat.

6. Don't use my seat as a foot rest.
Any part of my seat that is intended as a foot rest is fair game. Any other part? No. And it's not about you moving or kicking my seat. It's about me not wanting to interact with your feet. On the way home from my honeymoon (we flew first class baby!) the woman behind me thought it was a good idea to put her BARE foot on my armrest. Seriously. My spidey-senses tingled, I looked behind me, and there it was. Her crusty-looking naked foot. NOT OKAY! My unprotected elbow could have touched that! What if she had foot fungus or athlete's foot or really bad toe jam? EW!

7. Layer your outfit for maximum comfort.
Sometimes you might be warmer/colder than intended. Prepare yourself (I suggest a t-shirt with a light sweater, and pants that aren't too thick or thin). Wear clothes that are comfortable. And, if possible, look cute. It never hurts to look cute :)

Oh, and no booty shorts or really short skirts or anything. Those things ride up, and should you choose to wear them, your bare butt cheeks are likely rubbing against that seat. The idea of what might be deposited on or picked up from public seats makes me cringe. Ugh. Let's change the topic.

8. Don't be obnoxious.
Don't speak too loudly, be polite to others, don't whine, etc. Basic common courtesy stuff.

9. Be sensitive to anxious flyers.
If someone has a white knuckled grip on their armrests, it may not be a good idea to discuss exactly how many engines the plane can lose and still fly or land safely. Or about the worst turbulence you ever encountered (mine was on my way to Cayo Coco, Cuba. The plane shook, and suddenly dropped a few feet. Fun times).

Good idea: engage the anxious flyer in conversation (about something other than flying) and get their mind off of their troubles. And try to ignore the fact that they might be exerting a death grip on your armrest. Now is a time to share.

By the way - does anyone know how many engines a plane can lose and still fly? I feel like the answer is 2.

10. Don't get up while the flight attendants are distributing food/beverages.
It doesn't matter how thin you think you are, you are not getting past that cart. Wait it out.

Ten seems like a reasonable number for a list, so I'll stop there. Mostly because I'm out of tips. And stories. If you're travelling anytime soon, have a great trip!

Oh, Deer.

When someone says "Drive safe" to you, don't say "What if I don't want to?" in response. It won't go well, trust me.

On Sunday my husband and I were hanging out with my sister and brother-in-law at their house. Around 10:30 p.m., we left (after my sister and I had the dialogue noted above). She lives in a subdivision with plazas and a busy intersections nearby, and we live in a subdivision about 15 minutes away that is in a less busy area. Along the way there are some fields, some wooded areas and some farms.

Where there are wooded areas, there is wildlife. There is often a dead skunk or raccoon on the side of roads in my area. Usually smaller animals. It's sad, but it happens. Fortunately I have not run into/over any critters.

So, anyway, we were driving home. Alex was driving, and I was looking up something in my e-mail. I had just finished, and was going to put my phone away, when out of the corner of my eye I see a deer. Before I had time to mentally register that a deer just passed in front of our car, SMACK! Her friend ran into the side of my car. (I maintain my record of not running into/over critters - she ran into me!)

The impact actually wasn't that hard, but the damage was bad. Driver's side window and mirror - gone. The window shattered. Glass was all over the interior of my car. And me. Seriously, it was in my hair, down my shirt, and in my underwear... I was a little nervous about sitting down after that. (Don't worry, my tushie is unharmed).

In addition to the window and mirror, there are two small dents in the front driver side door, and a big dent in the rear one. The rear door won't even open. Plus, there is a bunch of deer dirt on my car. Ok, it's just regular dirt that the deer was wearing. But deer dirt sounds better (I like alliteration).

So anyway, my car got mangled, and Alex and I were a bit stunned. But we got it together and pulled over. We saw the second deer run across the intersection and into an open field. The one that hit us was lying in the road. I called my sister to come meet us there, and Alex called his family and the police. It turned out a passerby had already done so, and the police got there quickly. The officer made sure we were ok, as we were picking glass out of our hair and clothing. He even offered to let us sit in the back of his cruiser. We declined. And I regret it - it would have been a great photo opportunity! My husband and me, disheveled, in the back of a police cruiser. We could have used it for our Christmas cards!

We are very thankful we got through this unhurt. Alex had a few drops of blood on his face - I was worried that it was from the deer. It turned out he had a small scratch on his ear, and a couple on his leg. Had we hit the deer head on, or had we hit a buck and not a doe, he (and I) could have been hurt badly. I was scratch free, although I think I got a tiny piece of glass in my thumb from trying to pick out the little pieces from my hair. I swear, some of the pieces were so tiny they were like grains of sand. We were happy to go home, vacuum our hair with our shop-vac (which feels really cool - I highly recommend it), clean up and go to bed.

Aside from it being a little scary, this was a bit of a learning experience. Below is a list of things I learned after hitting a deer (and some stuff I just found amusing about the whole thing).

• You can keep the dead deer if you want. The police officer asked us if we wanted it. I didn't know this was an option. It's good to know in case I ever have a craving for venison. Just kidding! But when life hands you lemons - or deer - I see no problem in making the most of the situation. Although technically, I'd be eating road kill. Which brings images of a redneck family celebrating a feast of run-over opossum, or squirrel or any other varmint that dared cross the road. (Hey ma! Look what I got fer dinner! Yee-haw!)  Hmm... not so appetizing anymore.
• Vacuuming your hair feels cool. You feel the air rushing around your scalp. I guess this is what it would feel like to be bald in a breeze. I hope to never confirm this, though.
• Although the deer hit the car's exterior, tons of her hair ended up inside - on Alex, me, the front and back seats. On the bright side, my car was due for a vacuuming, so that got done. Twice. And there's still glass in there. And I think I've eliminated the deer scent.
• On the accident report, the police officer put "Deer" under the section for the other driver's information. I don't know why, but I find this funny.
• One of the guys that works at the Enterprise connected with the collision repair centre is named Shazam. Seriously - that's the name on his birth certificate. I told him he was in the wrong line of work. He doesn't seem to be interested in being a magician though. He did take a deer hair still left on my car home to look at under his microscope.

So, that's all I have to say on the matter (for now). I thank God for keeping us safe and unhurt. And the next time someone says "Drive safe", I won't make any stupid jokes (although we did drive safely in this incident - just want to make sure you don't think we're reckless deer killers).

I got skillz....

Scene: Alex and I are sitting on our couches (I am perpendicular to him at the end of one couch, he is on another). I am eating chocolate chips.

Alex: Pass me the chocolate chips.

I motion to throw one to him.

Alex: Pass me the bag.

Me: We're going to do this the fun way.

Alex opens his mouth slightly. I toss, and it lands on the middle of the tip of his tongue. He didn't even have to move his head.


Clearly, I am awesome.

Not really. It was a total fluke. I have no aim.

But, still awesome.

Adventures in Jogging

Today I did something I haven't done in about 2 or 3 years. I went for a jog. I had the time for it, and given the fact that I've spent much of my summer on the couch, the jog was much needed. After picking out an outfit (because we all know looking cute is imperative for jogging), and creating a playlist on my iPhone (I prefer to think of it as the soundtrack to this awesome journey), I set out to jog to my heart's content.

I found a trail in my nieghbourhood that seemed nice. It ran behind some houses, so I wasn't too isolated, but there were plenty of trees and grass and plants I can't identify around to make it peaceful and nature-y (and not like I was running through a subdivision). 

I got to my trail, had a song I liked playing, and started to jog. I started slow, given that I'm not in the best shape right now. I was doing well, for about 10 seconds. Then I realized that my feet didn't seem to be hitting the pavement properly. I wasn't too surprised since I already know I don't walk properly (I put too much weight on my heels). I figured I'll figure this part out eventually.

About ten more seconds later I began to feel a pain in my throat. It's like the air was sharp and slicing its way down my trachea, through my bronchi and onward into my lungs. So I can't jog for more than 30 seconds without experiencing respiratory distress. That's not good.

I did jog a little more, but I mostly walked. I guess I've just got to keep trying, and perhaps with time I'll learn to jog. And breathe. And while I'm at it, I might as well learn to walk and stand properly too (because I dont do that properly either.)

I'm Nerdy and I know It!

First order of business - happy tau day!

What is tau, you ask? I'll explain. The constant pi has an approximate value of 3.14. Pi represents a 180 degree rotation, or a semi-circle. The constant tau is twice as large as pie. Its approximate value is 6.28, and it represents a 360 degree rotation, or a full circle.

What does this all mean? On pi day we celebrate half of a pie. On tau day we celebrate the whole thing!!! Which gives us an excuse to eat more pie (or other round foods). So, hooray for tau day!

Second on the agenda - more reasons why I am a gigantic nerd. I was expressing an appreciation for The Lord of the Rings at work. I may have mentioned that I would like to walk the path to Mordor (although one does not simply walk into Mordor). This means, go to New Zealand and check out where they filmed the movies. And, *gasp*, one of my co-workers accused me of being a nerd! And she even wondered how in the world I managed to land a husband. Well, here's how: my husband loves and knows Lord of the Rings more than I do. Yep. We're nerdy together. It's awesome. We're actually excited about the fact that The Hobbit is coming to theatres this year.

Tonight, my husband and I had the following conversation:

Alex: Do you know Paul Oakenfold?

Me: Is he related to Thorin Oakenshield?

*If you get the reference (without having to look it up), you are awesome. If you don't, you are forgiven, but have some reading to do.

Gangrene

It's nearly summer time, and we have been blessed with some pretty nice weather recently. Last Sunday was warm and sunny, and for the first time in a long time, I got to spend a day outside. Which means prior to Sunday, I was pretty pasty (and most of me still is very white - not a bad thing, if you like that sickly-never-see-the-sun look). Which is why it was completely stupid for me to forget to put on sunscreen.

I thought I'd be ok because I spent most of the time in the shade. I thought it'd be enough, and I didn't think about the fact that as the day progresses, the sun will hit the Earth at a different angle, and my shelter would let some of it fall on my shoulders. Alas, I have very pink shoulders as a reminder that sometimes, even someone as brilliant as I am, can be stupid. I hereby pledge to always wear sunscreen for the rest of the summer!

Now what does this have to do with gangrene? I'm getting to that.

Every morning and night my shoulders are being coated in aloe vera gel, in hopes this will help the healing process. Last night Alex was helping me out with this. Below is our conversation.

Me: Your hands look dirty. (They weren't really dirty - it was just a mark from something that stained his skin a little - my husband is very clean).


Alex: They're fine. (Proceeds to apply aloe vera gel gently).


Me: Sssssss (I'm trying to make sizzling noises)

Me: Your hands are dirty! My shoulders will get infected! I'll get gangrene and they'll have to amputate            them!

Alex: How will they amputate your shoulders?

Me: (Thinking he asked why, not how) Because of the gangrene!

Alex: No, I asked how!

Me: Oh. With a saw.

We both laugh hysterically. The people upstairs probably heard us.



Yep. This conversation actually happened. In the past year, this kind of thing has happend probably too frequently. I think I'm descending into madness. Ah well.

Faith

I'm a Christian. There are some people that make assumptions about my faith. Many people perceive Christians to be judgemental and hateful toward "sinners". The reason? Probably judgemental, hateful "Christians" that have or do exist. I know it's out there. But like any other group in society, don't be quick to judge me by the worst representatives of my faith. Don't stereotype me, because I don't fit that mold.

Here is what my faith has taught me:

• Love everyone. EVERYONE.
  
  Love those who are kind, thoughtful, considerate. Love those whose ideas and actions are different than yours. Love those you may disagree with. Love those who are rude, mean, who make mistakes, who've hurt you. There is no pre-requisite for loving someone. Just do it. This is probably the hardest thing to do. But the more I learn from the Bible, the more I'm filled for compassion, whether it is for someone in need or for someone who's committed horrible crimes. That's what Christianity is to me.
  
• Do not condemn, or judge others.
  
  It's not my job to tell people exactly what they're doing wrong. That doesn't mean that I don't speak the truth about what is right. I should speak the truth, in love. But if I'm beating someone over the head with the truth in order to manipulate them into accepting it, now that's not right. God requires that I follow him, love others, and speak the truth. It's his job (through the Holy Spirit) to speak to people about their sin and what they need to change - not mine. So I'll leave that up to him and keep doing my part to spread the good word.
  
• Let my actions be my source of influence
  
  This is definitely something I need to work on, because as of late I have been grumpy and negative and not the best reflection of Christ's love. However this is something I feel very strongly about. It's easy to post a Facebook status, wear a t-shirt or other accessory, write a blog post, or use speech to express your faith. These aren't bad things. But sometimes the things people say don't line up with their actions. Sometimes people talk a good talk, but treat people like dirt. I want to be known as a person who cares about others unconditionally, who treats people with respect, who is trustworthy and consistently does what is right. The only way I can prove myself as such a person is through my actions. If I'm letting God change my heart daily and consciously making an effort to follow his lead, people will see those qualities in me without me having to say a word about it. 

I don't really  have a "New Year's Resolution", but I do hope that from this point on I can do a better job of following Christ's example. I'm just going to take it day by day. Step one: stay positive.