If you have to ask... don't.

I like my privacy. I'm not super secretive, and I'll share information my friends and those I trust and care about. If someone is my friend, they will know about job opportunities, success of my relationships, pregnancies, home ownership, and the like. They won't have to ask about these things, because I'll tell them about it as it happens. That's what friendship is about. Sharing personal stuff.

No, I'm not pregnant, buying a house or getting a new job. I just want to make that clear before I continue. This post is in no way intended as an announcement of some major life change. As far as I can tell, my life will be the same for the next while.

Here's the deal - it drives me crazy when people ask me about the above mentioned things. Usually, the people who are asking are acquaintances. People I talk to superficially on occasion, who know me through a friend, or go to the same church as me. Most of the people that ask these things know very little about my personality, my day-to-day life, my likes, interests, friends, etc. Yet they feel it is ok for them to ask very personal questions. And in the past I've felt clueless as to how to respond. I may not want to answer truthfully, because it is information I'm not ready to make public. But I don't like to lie. That creates a problem. Even if the answer is no, I feel like my willingness to respond reinforces the idea that such questions are ok to ask, when they are not. I don't want to give the wrong impression. And declining to answer can come off as rude, or offend someone, and I don't want to be a jerk (although others don't seem to mind prying into my personal business, I'm pretty sure I'll come off as the jerk no matter what). So, it feels like I lose no matter what. Bummer.

If I had my way, here's how I'd like to respond to some of the questions I get (or have gotten asked).

Q: So, when are you going to have a baby?

A: I don't know. How's your sex life?

See, that's what a pregnancy question is. It's about my sex life. Maybe not about the sex itself, but the product of it. That's REALLY personal. Also, for all you know the woman you are asking could be trying and having difficulty, or had a miscarriage recently, or could be struggling with whether or not they will ever have a child. It just adds more pain when you're going through some reproductive issue and someone who isn't close enough to you to know these things demands that you talk about your fertility. I don't care if it is well-intentioned, it's a personal matter and just plain inappropriate to be asking about it. Don't. 


Q: So, when are you getting engaged/married? (I'm married now so I don't really get asked this one much anymore).

A: When someone asks me.

I was only really asked this question after being with Alex for a few years, so most people knew we were serious. I usually answered this, although I probably shouldn't have. Many times I explained that one or both of us was still in school, so we kind of needed to have a full time job in order to pull off a wedding and living expenses. You'd think that would be obvious, but apparently it isn't. But really, my financial or personal reasons for not yet being engaged are not your business. If my friends ever asked about this, it was likely following something I said to them regarding marriage or the future. And if I bring it up, I think it's ok for you to ask for an update. If I wouldn't tell you about it otherwise, DON'T ASK! I know people who have been single, not dating anyone at the time or even recently, who have been asked this question. Like you can just get married at will. Seriously, it's  a stupid question.


Q: When are you buying a house?

A: When I have enough money. Care to make a donation?

This one isn't so bad. It doesn't bother me that much, but it may bother others. Basically, house ownership boils down to how much money you have. And asking someone about how much money they have is definitely not appropriate. So, it's a good idea to steer clear of this one.




To summarize: if I want you to know about the very personal and important events in my life, I'll tell you. Because I WANT you to know. So if you have to ask, don't. And if you do, don't be offended when I politely decline to answer. Thanks!

P.S. It is ESPECIALLY inappropriate to ask me (or others) these things on Facebook. Because not only do I have the problem of figuring how to respond without looking like a complete jerk, other people will see the question, and possibly assume it has some merit. And that is how rumors start, folks.